Halal Dating Guide

Writing a Great Dating Profile

What’s the key to writing a great dating profile? How do you stand out from the hundreds and thousands of profiles that someones swiping through? More importantly, how do you capture someones attention in the 3 seconds it takes for them to swipe left or right?

Halal dating can be a strange, frustrating and exhausting experience. There are so many variables, so many questions and so many moments of miscommunication, misinterpretation and misrepresentation – really makes a girl feel like getting that cat is a great alternative to a partner!

I’m calling it. Halal dating has more complexities and confusion than your regular Joe has to deal with when he’s swiping through tinder…and it’s exhausting. The multiple questions running through your minds as you both ‘talk’. Is Amir on the same wavelength? Can you send that emoji? Is that meme inappropriate? Do they drink? Did I offend them by saying hi instead of Salaam? I rolled my sleeves up, is that too haram for him? Is my hijab too halal for him? Will his family agree to this? Does he want to get married in 3 months? Do I need to live with his family?  Is our halal haraam ratio compatible? Does he put pineapple on his pizza? 

…. I could keep going. So if you’re reading this and nodding along, go ahead and pat yourself on the back. Because If you’re still putting yourself out there, and remaining hopeful admist this circus of confusion – you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for!

So, whether you’re about to take your first steps into the online/app dating world or you’re on app number 3 and could really do with some pointers – here are 5 tips for writing a great dating profile!

1. A great photo

I cannot stress this enough. A photo will be the first thing someone sees on your profile. Whilst we all know (or at least, I hope we know!), that character is paramount, some level of initial attraction is not only necessary but it is also often what determines whether you swipe left or right. Does that mean you have to be the most attractive woman on earth? No. In fact, this has nothing to do with what you look like and everything to do with the quality and composition of your images. That means take good quality photos, don’t use filters that give you bug eyes, or have daisies floating round the screen and choose photos that really showcase your personality/character or hobbies!

 

Love to play the piano? Love cycling? Our hobbies and interests are all part of who we are and a photo will showcase this so much more than words on a page ever will. 

2. Stop telling people who you are

…show them. 

Let me demonstrate. ‘Hi, I’m Zahra. I’m an outgoing, family oriented person. I’m quite adventurous and my friends would say I’m quite fun to spend time with. I also love to travel’. 

How’s that? Personally, unless he’s after vanilla, I wouldn’t be surprised if Ahmed91 swiped left on that. Binge watching Netflix sounds more interesting that starting a conversation with me.  I’m doing a great job of writing a CV that lists my personality like they’re qualifications. But like any great interview, what gets you the job isn’t the list, it’s how you demonstrate the very things you claim to have in abundance. So how can I demonstrate all these character traits through words on a screen? 

Let’s try again. 

‘Hi, I’m Zahra. Yep, that’s me at the top of Ben Nevis looking like I’m ready to pass out. Not quite completed the 4 peaks challenge but I’m on my way. 

So other than my obsession with hiking. On the weekends, you’ll find me taking my niece out for our regular hunt for the worlds best gelato – not sure anything can beat the gelato in Rome, but a girl can dream!’

See what I did there? If I can say so myself, I’d like to take Zahra out for some gelato, I know just the place 😉 

3. Don't write about what you don't want in a partner

Don’ts and No’s on a profile tend to fill you with a sense of negativity as you read through a bio. So whilst most people have some kind of a deal breaker, it’s always best that you leave that for your conversations.

So avoid writing statements such as:

‘No time wasters’

“No stuck up people please’

“If you think travelling to Dubai makes you cultured, swipe left’

‘If you don’t reply to messages fast enough, press the x button’

These statements are not going to suddenly help you weed out all the time wasters or slow texters. The only thing they will do, is serve as a red flag for anyone reading your profile. You may have a heart of gold, but writing what you’re trying to avoid means you risk coming across as being arrogant or conceited. Remember, the person reading your profile doesn’t know you or your heart. So first impressions from a profile are all they have right now.

4. Honesty is the best policy

Divorced? Widowed? Have kids? Drink? Smoke? Not practicing at all? 

Life rarely ever goes to plan and you are human. You are complex and wonderful. You’re continuously learning. You have lived. You are on your own journey and no one but Allah (swt) has the right to judge you. 

So, with that being said,  do you really want to live your life with someone that would never accept you for who you are? And do you want to start a potential relationship with lies? 

Being true to who you are and being honest about this from the beginning is so crucial. Just remember, the nitty gritty should always be left out of your profile and discussed in your conversations together. But, when it comes to the usual profile questions – be honest. Be you. And leave the rest to Allah (swt).

5. Live life to the fullest

Want to give life to your profile? Then go out and LIVE.

You should be living life to the fullest, first and foremost, for no one other than yourself!  Having said that, your interests, passions and hobbies are often the conversation starters. They help you grow, learn and know more about yourself – who you are and what you want from life. So if you’ve been putting life on pause for far too long – it might just be time to live a little more boldly. 

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed relationship expert/coach. Advice and responses are solely based off my own experiences and opinions. Please use your own judgement and seek professional help where needed. 

By using the website or submitting any questions or stories to Adventures of Halal Dating, you are agreeing to our privacy policy, which can be found here. 

If you are searching for Islamic guidance, this is not the place. Please contact  an imam/ respected scholar etc who can can guide you appropriately inshAllah.

 

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Halal Dating Guide

Halal Dating During Covid-19

What a year. Many single muslims may have started off 2020 with intentions of stepping up their search for a partner. Real intentions that fell apart, once we fell into a global pandemic. And I know for so many of you, the events of this year may have meant a complete stop in your search for a partner. As you battle the thousand and one hurdles that covid-19 has brought for many of us, marriage may not have felt like a priority.

Now, with lockdown and quarantine rules consistently changing – it’s hard to know just what you should be doing. So, should you just give up on your search altogether this year?

Your Search Isn't Doomed

Just because we’re still in the midst of a global pandemic, it doesn’t mean you’re doomed to live a single life forever. Halal dating during Covid-19 is actually more feasible than you’re usual dating escapades. 2m distance, no hugs and no hand holding  – sounds pretty halal to me!

Does it mean you may have to change the way you go about your search, absolutely, but if you’re already keeping things halal, we’re not talking drastic changes here. 

So, how can you search for a partner, progress towards marriage and still keep to local guidelines?

Meeting New People During Lockdown

Depending on where in the world you’re reading this, the lockdown and quarantine rules in your country will likely differ. At the time of writing, many countries are seeing the start of a second wave. This means tighter controls and quarantine measures may come into place again, so the very first thing you need to do – is keep up with local news updates. 

If your country/area isn’t currently under strict quarantine and you’re able to still take part in classes or activities etc – great! At this point you’re not confined to strictly using an app to meet new people but don’t throw caution to the wind – wherever you’re going – wear a mask, practice good hand hygiene and keep your 2m distance from others. 

Stuck in strict quarantine/lockdown – thanks to the many apps now available for halal dating, you can still meet new people from the safety of your own home. It’s not ideal for some, but it does mean you can keep up with your search. Just be sure to follow safety protocols with online dating (as always!).

Online Dating During Covid-19 - Now What?

Your conversations with a ‘potential’ via an app shouldn’t be any different right now but, you may find some people don’t quite hold the same opinion as you, when it comes to following guidelines. So if they suggest you meet in person (when you can’t do so safely) or that your families all meet during quarantine – alarm bells may start ringing. 

If you’re taking serious precautions, following local guidelines and there are loved ones you need to keep safe – you may want to think twice about someone that says you’re being dramatic or worse, denies covid-19 exists.

On the other hand, if you’re both on the same page and conversations have been progressing, how can you move towards the next stage in your (halal) relationship, whilst keeping safe?

Video Call

Yes, it was always going to be the most obvious first choice but it’s the first choice for a reason! Video calls are a great  first date, even outside of a global pandemic, since it can act as a ‘screener’ prior to an IRL date. It’s a helpful way to test initial chemistry and you’ll know almost immediately if you’re in a cat fish situation.  If you’re communicating via an app, many have in-app video call features, which means you can see each other in real time without exchanging numbers and without potentially infecting each other! 

Whilst your first few video calls can feel exciting as the conversation is flowing, as you get to know each other, treat each video call as you would any other date. Plan an activity. Whether it’s watching the same movie together, cooking together or testing each other at a quiz – an activity is a great way to keep your video calls fun and light, as you get to know each other.

Socially Distanced Dates

If where you are, you’re still able to go to a restaurant/coffee shop for a date – great! This will absolutely make your life easier but take precautions and always take your safety and those of your loved ones into consideration.

If you’re being particularly cautious or you’re in an area with stricter quarantine measures – what can you do? 

Consider the following but again, always check to make sure these align with current quarantine guidelines in your area: 

  • Do your grocery shopping at the same time –  Ok, it doesn’t sound glamorous, I know, but a socially distanced grocery shop is a perfect quarantine date if you’re in the midst of a more significant lockdown. You’ll need to keep your 2m distance and wear a mask, but it’s a great way of safely seeing one another!
  • Go on a hike/walk – A great way to keep up with physical activity if you’re otherwise stuck indoors.
  • Picnic – Completely weather dependent but a great quarantine date If you each bring your own picnic blankets, your own food and stay 2m apart!
  • Drive thru coffee – Drive in your own respective cars through a drive thru, park up at a safe distance, windows down and enjoy your coffee together!

Meeting Families

So if you’re in the midst of a significant lockdown, your families may not be able to meet right now. It’s not ideal and it can absolutely feel like it’s pressing pause on all your efforts but remember, Allah (swt) is the best of planners.

If guidelines allow a small number of you to meet, you may find it easier introducing each other to siblings first. It’s a great way of initially introducing your families and if all goes well, you can consider having your parents meet, in a socially distanced setting. 

If however, you’re in strict lockdown, patience is key here. You will eventually meet (if you both want to of course!), it’s simply a case of waiting.  As frustrating as it can feel, try not to feel disheartened. Trust in Gods timing. If there’s a significant delay to your plans, you could consider introducing each other to family members over video call, until it’s safe to meet in person. Regardless, while you’re both in quarantine, remember communication between the two of you, whether its via text, phone or video call, is key!

Met and married during Covid-19? Share your story to be featured on the blog/instagram! Submit your story here. 

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed relationship expert/coach. Advice and responses are solely based off my own experiences and opinions. Please use your own judgement and seek professional help where needed. 

By using the website or submitting any questions or stories to Adventures of Halal Dating, you are agreeing to our privacy policy, which can be found here. 

If you are searching for Islamic guidance, this is not the place. Please contact  an imam/ respected scholar etc who can can guide you appropriately inshAllah.

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Halal Dating Guide

The Problem with Halal Dating Apps – Part II

Feeling deflated from the endless swiping? In part I of this piece, I discussed the unintended consequences of Halal dating apps. How the myriad of ‘options’ that are presented to you (thanks to the million+ users on an app), may not necessarily always be a good thing. 

So, what’s the solution?

Realistic Expectations

So, let’s start with the obvious here. Whether you’re a single guy or girl, it’s inevitable that when looking for your spouse, you have some kind of a mental checklist running through your mind. Practicing? Educated? Tall? Good Job? Sense of humour? Whilst some ‘checklist’ items are absolutely ok, and we are reminded by our Prophet (saw) of the kind of qualities that we should look for in a partner – Remember, you’re looking for a spouse, in 2020, you’re not a character from Pride & Prejudice, magic carpets don’t exist and scrub that *insert celeb crush* from your wishlist. If I still have to remind you in 2020 I will – photoshop is everywhere and unless you’re living the highlife – the girl/guy next-door does not have that kind of access to the trainers, dieticans, estheticians and plastic surgeons, that these celebrities have! 

So whilst it’s absolutely important that you are attracted to your spouse, consider what attraction means to you. And really consider the kind of qualities that are essential and what ‘nice to haves’ are not really going to have an impact on your life when you’re married and life throws its usual curve balls. He or she may not be able to make a perfectly round roti but if they’re respectful, emotionally mature and supportive, you’ll appreciate these qualities far more in 10 years time! 

But what if there's a better option, 100 swipes down the line?

As discussed in part I of this piece, too many options can often stop us from ever making a firm decision. What if there’s someone better? Should you keep looking? Here in lies the problem. So that’s often when singles choose to multi-date.

Let me be very clear on my stance on ‘multi-dating’. 

I hate it. 

It’s one thing, talking to 4 or 5 people that you have matched with on an app and agreeing to meet them for the first time. I have no problem with this. It’s an entirely different thing however, continuing to halal-date/meet-up and essentially, pursue 4 or 5 people, simultaneously. This is, in my opinion, the reason as to why many singles are experiencing ghosting and as a result beginning to feel very jaded by the entire ‘dating game’. Muslim singles now are finding it incredibly difficult to build a real, meaningful connection with anyone, long enough, for it to progress to marriage. Remember, If you are constantly chasing the next best thing, there’s every possibility that your not seeing the absolute gem that is right in-front of you! 

Take your time

The world isn’t ending. InshAllah you have many beautiful years ahead of you, so slow down and get to know one another. This doesn’t mean I’m recommending a long engagement but it does mean you don’t need to jump into marriage after knowing each other for 3 weeks. Equally, if you’re anxious about making the wrong choice, time is your friend here. 

Choosing your spouse is one of the most important decisions you will make In your life. They say you don’t choose your family – that’s not quite true – you do choose your spouse, and the two of you are the foundation of any family you may opt to build. So take the time to know their character, their family, their friends and their temperament and do this without still swiping away on an app at the same time. Ultimately, focusing on getting to know just one ‘potential’, will allow you see past the surface level content that you swipe through on apps and social media. 

Enjoy the process

I know. Sounds impossible. Who enjoys using halal dating apps?!?

You can. 

I know it can absolutely feel like a long, frustrating, disheartening process. After 30minutes of swiping, you feel like everyones faces have slightly merged into one and you’re ready to throw your phone across the room. But there is always a silver lining. These apps do allow you to meet some wonderful people, people that may not necessarily stay in your life, but that can ultimately open your eyes to a world of new hobbies, interests or even broaden your perspective when It comes to current affairs, different cultures, traditions etc. 

With all that being said, please be incredibly safe when you’re using any of these online halal dating/matrimonial websites or apps. Do not give your number out to people that you don’t know, instead use the features in these apps that allow you to communicate safely! Always report anyone that behaves suspiciously or crosses the line. And remember, you set the boundaries, it’s up to the other person to respect them.

As always, keep it halal my loves! =D

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed relationship expert/coach. Advice and responses are solely based off my own experiences and opinions. Please use your own judgement and seek professional help where needed.

By using the website or submitting any questions or stories to Adventures of Halal Dating, you are agreeing to our privacy policy, which can be found here. 

If you are searching for Islamic guidance, this is not the place. Please contact  an imam/ respected scholar etc who can can guide you appropriately inshAllah.

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Halal Dating Guide

The Problem with Halal Dating Apps

Over the last few years, the path towards marriage for single muslims has taken a significant turn. Once upon a time, if singles were struggling to meet someone, they could only really turn to their family members, friends or rishta aunties, to help introduce them to potential partners. But that was then. Now, single muslims have thousands of eligible singles in the palm of their hand. 

It all started with the introduction of online dating, with sites like singlemuslim.com and Shaadi.com, coming onto the scene. Although their members grew, couples that met through these platforms, and single muslims in general, weren’t always happy to announce they’d signed themselves up to a matrimonial site. For many, they were almost always worried it carried a stigma in their communities and amongst their extended family members, as if it was some kind of last chance, desperate attempt at marriage! So it wasn’t that uncommon for these ‘online’ couples to lie about how they met.  

Fast forward to 2020 and the online, ‘halal dating’ scene looks completely different. 

The Dating App Era Begins

With the rise of apps like tinder, it’s safe to say, many single muslims felt like there was a gap in the market for a ‘halal’ friendly version. Naturally, (and it didn’t take very long!), Muzmatch and Minder were born. Two of the most successful halal dating apps on the scene. So successful, that singles now confidently discuss their profiles and dating disasters all over social media. 

So with the rise of apps, and millions of users (at the time of writing, Muzmatch has close to 3Million users) – Who’d have ever imagined a time, where you’d have so many options and yet feel you have no real choices? 

The Unintended Consequences

You know this story all too well by now. You’ve spent a couple nights swiping and by the end of the week, you have a handful of matches in your inbox. You start a conversation with half of them, and a few days later – radio silence. And the cycle continues.

What was it? Why didn’t Mohammed want to meet? Ahmed thought you might not be adventurous enough? The salams faded into nothing more than simple, boring pleasantries with Imran?

Take a moment and examine your internal monologue as you swipe over the next 300 guys on your phone. Too short? This ones not bad, but you could probably find someone with better job prospects? His photos not giving you the right energy? Men, and women alike, are swiping their way through countless options. With checklists and tick boxes they’re sometimes not even conscious of having. Ask your single friend what she (or He!) is looking for, and I’d be surprised if they didn’t use the phrase ‘just someone normal!’.  Normal. Although, there is no such thing as ‘normal’ (let’s leave that discussion for another time), do you really think, out of the hundreds and thousands of options out there, that someone ‘normal’, a compatible match, doesn’t exist?

Whilst these apps were born out of a genuine desire to make the journey to marriage easier, have they unintentionally made it more difficult than it's ever been?

And here lies the problem. We are often unconsciously meeting potential partners with the paralysing notion, that there may well be a better option out there. So whilst these apps were born out of a genuine desire to make the journey to marriage easier, have they unintentionally made it more difficult than it’s ever been?

As Barry Shwartz, American Pscyhologist, talks about  in his 2005 ted talk (watch it here), with so many options available, our expectations about how good something should be, go up. Frame this into the context of marriage, and it begs the question, is that why single muslims are finding it harder to marry? Take this a step further, and you begin to question – does this play a role in the growing number of muslims getting divorced?

Taking Barry Shwartz’s analysis on this ‘paradox of choice’, this paralysis from the literal, thousands of options available to us, means in our society, as Shwartz explains, making a decision has become so hard, that we either end up not making a choice at all or we’re less satisfied than if we had fewer options to choose from. 

So in the world of halal dating, as single muslims keep swiping, it’s not hard to understand why both sexes feel it has become harder to make a ‘connection’ with anyone long enough for it to lead to marriage. 

So with all this being said, what’s the solution for a single muslim, serious about finding a partner? Read part 2 next week. Till then, follow along on instagram to be notified of new posts and join in the conversation!

 

 

Barry Shwartz, Ted Talk (July, 2005) : https://www.ted.com/talks/barry_schwartz_the_paradox_of_choice?language=ab#t-1157634  

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Halal Dating Guide

He Suddenly Lost Interest

It was all going well and suddenly, you don’t hear from him. 

I know you’re trying to understand where this sudden change of heart has come from. Analysing every word from your last conversation, you have this internal monologue filled with negative thoughts and self-doubt – none of which are going to give you the answer, you’re desperately trying to find. Why did he lose interest? 

So it’s been a few weeks and you haven’t heard anything. Or, on the contrary, he’s reached out and quite abruptly ended things, when you thought there was every indication, that things were headed in a positive direction. 

But were they? Often times, we just fail to see the small signs that are leading up to the end of a relationship. That’s not to say, a sudden loss in interest can’t happen – in the world of halal dating it can and it does.  

So what are the most common reasons? 

1. He told his parents, who disapproved 

2. You recently discussed a topic, fundamental to his beliefs/principles, that you couldn't agree on

3. He was multi-dating and decided to pursue things further with someone else

4. He wasn't that interested to begin with

He told his parents, who disapproved

It happens. For some men, whether it’s for cultural reasons or simply because they have an exceptionally close relationship with their parents, their approval is a must. Unless you’ve gotten to the stage where your families have met, he may not necessarily admit, he’s ending things for this reason. In fact, you may have no idea, that he’s even spoken to his parents about you. So, what can you do? 

It depends on the circumstance. If you’ve spent many months getting to know each other, and there hasn’t been a total breakdown in communication (i.e. he’s not ghosted), you could try to ascertain the reason for the abrupt ending. If he’s openly admitted his parents don’t approve, and why, by having a healthy discussion around the areas of concern, you may find there are some things that have been miscommunicated/misconstrued, that you may be able to rectify. Ultimately, remember, just because his parents don’t approve, it does not mean, in anyway whatsoever, that you aren’t good enough! 

You recently discussed a topic, fundamental to his beliefs/principles, that you couldn't agree on

You should not change your principles, in order to please someone else. That goes for both of you. Whether it’s in regards to how you practice your faith, or simply a case of ones moral and ethical code – if it is fundamental to your life as a married couple, you must discuss it. The outcome is hugely dependent on what you’re discussing and there are many issues that can be resolved. Equally, there are some issues that will ultimately signal the end of your relationship. Let’s say for example, you don’t drink or bring alcohol into the home. He does drink and intends to do so while he’s married. In instances like this, ending it there and then, will likely save a lot of heartache down the road.

He was multi-dating and decided to pursue things further with someone else

Grab that tub of ice cream, this ones gunna sting. With the rise of apps in the current wold of halal dating, more and more singles are swiping their way to love. With that, comes the trend of multi-dating. ‘Don’t put your eggs in one basket’, as the saying goes. A phrase that was mostly used amongst those in the general world of dating, that has now found its way into the muslim dating-sphere. If it’s been a couple weeks and he’s suddenly ghosted, is it a possibility that he’s decided to pursue someone else – yes. Is there anything you can do – for starters, don’t chase him.

Take a day, eat the ice cream. FaceTime your friends and vent. But don’t start calling and texting him, in a last minute attempt at trying to save the situation. If it’s been a couple weeks and he’s not reached out, the best thing you can do right now is delete his messages and move on, as though it’s over. If he reappears, you can decide if it’s worth considering him again. But if he ghosted, and re-appeared after 2 months, unless he was dealing with some serious life emergency, what does that say about his character?

He wasn't that interested to begin with

Often, the signs are there from the beginning. Look back for a moment. Were you the one initiating most of your conversations? Who arranged or suggested your dates/meet-ups? Who did most of the calling? Did he go days without messaging or would constantly take hours to respond?

Whilst each one on its own doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not interested, collectively they scream – red flag! Texting and calling is not a game, but if he’s not showing any signs of investment from the beginning, that doesn’t bode well for your progress towards marriage. 

So If you’ve suddenly had an aha moment and realised most of the above is true, then it’s a safe bet he wasn’t that interested from the beginning. The great news and silver lining to all this – he’s just done you a huge favour. Why waste your time on someone that isn’t into you? There is someone out there, that can and will, see your worth!

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