Dear Zahra
Assslaamu alaikum, Zahra
Loving these blog posts. By chance (cookies, anyone?), came across your IG page and was like yasss, this is exactly what I’ve been looking for but I didn’t know it.
So, my question. I have come to accept guys will talk to multiple girls at the same time. Even the practicing fellas in my life have said they will do the same when their time comes because it is more efficient time wise. So I then tried the whole multiple people thing (admittedly, not for long) and my heart couldn’t keep up.
I don’t have the emotional capacity to be sincere with multiple people at the same time. Don’t know how guys do it but I have accepted my nature and decided to continue one guy at a time even if that does slow me down.
Right, my question. So, after stuff went well on Muzmatch, one guy said he wanted to get to know me better so asked if we could exchange Snap details. I was reluctant. Snap seems so informal to me. I only keep close friends on there but I figured he thought exchanging numbers was too much so I went ahead (with my Mum’s permission ;P). Any who, with a drop of a hat, he was so informal. He was very sincere, you could say; fast to message, calling me sweetie but I felt like it was too informal too soon. Things ended a few days in and I realised I loved his character but I would have liked someone that revealed all that slower, I guess. Am I too formal for Halal Dating? Is me requesting we move to WhatsApp a big deal, instead of Snap?
Should I be looking at this as if I’m actually in a relationship with a guy and making more conscious effort to let my fun, less guarded side show? I’m caught between knowing how formal/revealing of my character to be.
I’m hoping more time on the app will teach me via experience but sometimes I shudder at the thought of pushing away a good prospect because I haven’t understood how to navigate this field yet. I’m trying to not let this hold me back and telling myself, if someone is good for me, then it’ll just work iA. I’m just exhausted so taking a break from the scene but also so excited I found your page and want to ask straight away.
Bless you, sis x
Faiza
xo
*Name changed for anonymity
Dear Faiza
So let me start by saying – I’m so happy to hear you’re enjoying the blog – thank you for reading!
As your questions demonstrate – halal dating, whether it be via apps or muslim marriage sites (or whatever method you use to find a partner) isn’t at all easy.
Yes, people do tend to ‘multi-date’ and if you’ve read my blog posts, you’ll know I’m not a fan. In fact I think it often leads people to believe there’s always a ‘better’ option out there. True connections, are built over time. So if you’re constantly chasing the next best thing (which is exactly what happens when you Multidate) – you end up in this never ending cycle of searching, giving only 10% of your energy and heart to someone and swiping again & again. So as a result, people may lose someone that could have otherwise been ‘the one’.
As for moving conversations off an app.
In my experience, be wary of moving off the app too soon. There are apps that allow messages to disappear within seconds after they are read. So for halal dating purposes – I really wouldn’t recommend moving your conversation to one of these . In fact, I always recommend to use the apps themselves to get to know each other. Some apps now have voice notes/calling or even video calling embedded into the apps themselves – with so many features – there is very little reason to move off them. So if any man asks you for your number early on, I’d recommend you ask that you continue your conversation for the time being on the app, as its a little safer while you get to know someone that is essentially a stranger. If he has a problem with it – that says a lot about his character and intentions – *red flag alert*.
As for the nature of your conversations – go at your own pace. Whilst every conversation isn’t a business meeting (it can feel like an interview with all the questions sometimes, right?!) – there is no harm in speaking to each other in a friendly but halal manner. Just ensure that you both respect each others boundaries and if you prefer to have a wali involved from the very beginning – don’t be afraid to ask for this.
All my duas,
Zahra
xo
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed relationship expert/coach. Advice and responses are solely based off my own experiences and opinions. Please use your own judgement and seek professional help where needed.
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