Feeling deflated from the endless swiping? In part I of this piece, I discussed the unintended consequences of Halal dating apps. How the myriad of ‘options’ that are presented to you (thanks to the million+ users on an app), may not necessarily always be a good thing.
So, what’s the solution?
So, let’s start with the obvious here. Whether you’re a single guy or girl, it’s inevitable that when looking for your spouse, you have some kind of a mental checklist running through your mind. Practicing? Educated? Tall? Good Job? Sense of humour? Whilst some ‘checklist’ items are absolutely ok, and we are reminded by our Prophet (saw) of the kind of qualities that we should look for in a partner – Remember, you’re looking for a spouse, in 2020, you’re not a character from Pride & Prejudice, magic carpets don’t exist and scrub that *insert celeb crush* from your wishlist. If I still have to remind you in 2020 I will – photoshop is everywhere and unless you’re living the highlife – the girl/guy next-door does not have that kind of access to the trainers, dieticans, estheticians and plastic surgeons, that these celebrities have!
So whilst it’s absolutely important that you are attracted to your spouse, consider what attraction means to you. And really consider the kind of qualities that are essential and what ‘nice to haves’ are not really going to have an impact on your life when you’re married and life throws its usual curve balls. He or she may not be able to make a perfectly round roti but if they’re respectful, emotionally mature and supportive, you’ll appreciate these qualities far more in 10 years time!
But what if there's a better option, 100 swipes down the line?
As discussed in part I of this piece, too many options can often stop us from ever making a firm decision. What if there’s someone better? Should you keep looking? Here in lies the problem. So that’s often when singles choose to multi-date.
Let me be very clear on my stance on ‘multi-dating’.
I hate it.
It’s one thing, talking to 4 or 5 people that you have matched with on an app and agreeing to meet them for the first time. I have no problem with this. It’s an entirely different thing however, continuing to halal-date/meet-up and essentially, pursue 4 or 5 people, simultaneously. This is, in my opinion, the reason as to why many singles are experiencing ghosting and as a result beginning to feel very jaded by the entire ‘dating game’. Muslim singles now are finding it incredibly difficult to build a real, meaningful connection with anyone, long enough, for it to progress to marriage. Remember, If you are constantly chasing the next best thing, there’s every possibility that your not seeing the absolute gem that is right in-front of you!
Take your time
The world isn’t ending. InshAllah you have many beautiful years ahead of you, so slow down and get to know one another. This doesn’t mean I’m recommending a long engagement but it does mean you don’t need to jump into marriage after knowing each other for 3 weeks. Equally, if you’re anxious about making the wrong choice, time is your friend here.
Choosing your spouse is one of the most important decisions you will make In your life. They say you don’t choose your family – that’s not quite true – you do choose your spouse, and the two of you are the foundation of any family you may opt to build. So take the time to know their character, their family, their friends and their temperament and do this without still swiping away on an app at the same time. Ultimately, focusing on getting to know just one ‘potential’, will allow you see past the surface level content that you swipe through on apps and social media.
Enjoy the process
I know. Sounds impossible. Who enjoys using halal dating apps?!?
I know it can absolutely feel like a long, frustrating, disheartening process. After 30minutes of swiping, you feel like everyones faces have slightly merged into one and you’re ready to throw your phone across the room. But there is always a silver lining. These apps do allow you to meet some wonderful people, people that may not necessarily stay in your life, but that can ultimately open your eyes to a world of new hobbies, interests or even broaden your perspective when It comes to current affairs, different cultures, traditions etc.
With all that being said, please be incredibly safe when you’re using any of these online halal dating/matrimonial websites or apps. Do not give your number out to people that you don’t know, instead use the features in these apps that allow you to communicate safely! Always report anyone that behaves suspiciously or crosses the line. And remember, you set the boundaries, it’s up to the other person to respect them.
As always, keep it halal my loves! =D
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed relationship expert/coach. Advice and responses are solely based off my own experiences and opinions. Please use your own judgement and seek professional help where needed.
If you are searching for Islamic guidance, this is not the place. Please contact an imam/ respected scholar etc who can can guide you appropriately inshAllah.